Archive for the ‘StagnationReport’ Category

Stagnation Report 1/19

First month of 2019 has been a rocky start

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Stagnation Report 12/18

no comment

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Stagnation Report 11/18

What a month, got fired Read On…

Stagnation Report 10/18

not a productive month but… Read On…

Stagnation Report 9/19

Once again I give up trying to live a routine. Read On…

Stagnation Report 8/18

work before leisure plan seems to be working actually.
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Stagnation Report 7/18

This month was more productive a bit. I have finally created the best routine possible for myself hopefully. Read On…

Stagnation Report 6/18

Here we go again…

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Stagnation Report 5/18

Tough month mentally, trying to just pretend im in Antarctica or something.

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Stagnation Report 4/18

brutal month started new job, so tough to adjust my lifestyle but I think I’m almost there.

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12/8/19

936pm

i know too much. Either i do it right, or i feel like an idiot.

1047am

was gonna work on apps yesterday but i got extremely tired around 5pm, and i crashed.

i did more exercise yesterday too.

when i woke up today though my back was super tense, i mean really really tense. I almost felt like just laying in bed all day.

but i got up and did 1 hour ZZ, and it relaxed my back maybe 80%. I definitely got some serious blockage on my left side on my back, it hurts actually, like a dull pain.

its kinda discouraging cause yesterday i kept taking things slow as usual but it didn’t prevent my back from tensing up like crazy. wtf man.

maybe once again i made the usual error of loosening up too much.

i really should start doing zz later in the day as well, or at least mini 10 minute every few hours or something. i dont know.

but whatever im no gonna stop exercising lol im still try to do it with proper posture and zz movement. 1 day at a time.

12/6/19

757am

i think its clear now. If one suffers from lack of purpose, meaning, etc.

One can instead focus on BEING a certain kind of person, and once you are that kind of person, the purpose manifests from within the beingness.

I wanna be like a spartan warrior. I feel that if i can look at my lifestyle and confidently say “I have lived x amount of time as a warrior.”, that would make me feel happiness.

With this approach to life, happiness can exist RIGHT NOW.

When it comes to app development, it becomes less about some goals or success or whatever, but about the spartan discipline to just get the work done. That means fulfillment will INSTANTLY exist as im doing the task itself.

But what if im lazy… what if a warrior succumbs to some laziness. Well then, a warrior will calmly experience this feeling, and whatever he ends up doing, a warrior would savor it to the fullest and get the most bang for the buck so to speak.

Actually this approach was a major breakthrough in overcoming my porn addiction. Instead of being stuck in a cycle of masturbation and guilt which leads to more masturbation, I decided to do a full mental 180 and chose to just savor the good parts.

So i took my time, no rushing, i got comfortable, and i just pretended i was at a nice spa or something, doing something very pleasurable and relaxing for myself.

And when i was done, i calmly washed up, and moved on with my day, no guilt or self shaming or anything.

And something interesting happened, the urge wouldn’t come back as fast, it would take days for me to struggle with it again.

I believe its because i really squeezed as much good out of the activity as i could, i got my money’s worth. I made it last and the satisfaction stayed with me longer, and so i didn’t feel the urge to do it again. Calmness, patience, peace, these things really made a difference once i gave them a chance.

But i went off on a crazy tangent. I wanna be like a Spartan Warrior. The closer my identity becomes to what i believe a warrior is, the happier i will be.

It feels weird in my brain, like im short circuiting the need for some success or something for happiness, and instead just embracing the idea of being a certain way right now, to just be like a warrior right now.

Im go read more about sparta lol

12/5/19

645am

zhan zhuang 24/7… lol

413am

crazy anxiety laying in bed, slept like 9-10 hours, finally got up, feel a bit better.

12/4/19

156pm

practiced handball for 2 hours, u know what its all a test man, a test of patience. Zhan Zhuang Slow Living is the way, but it requires patience. Its a test of character. Great Change is coming at its own pace. I believe i can do it, i will be patient. I got this! Slow Living as in patient living, no rush.

As Wang Xiangzhai said:

“Better slow than fast. Better with calm than in hurry.”

1021am

was going to the store to buy cat food, doing slow living the whole time, i was aware of my lower back being tense, it just wouldn’t loosen up.

i get into the pet store and go to the back to get the cat food. as i pick up the food and get ready to leave my attention got captured by some small exotic looking birds in cages in the back behind glass doors. I approach them and spend a good 6 to 10 minutes just mesmerized by the birds, their colors and sounds. eventually the guy at the cash register asked if i found what i needed and i walked away from the birds and to the register.

as i was waiting for my card to be processed i suddenly realized that my lower back tension was like 80% loosened up, i didn’t even realize it happened.

I was so mesmerized by the birds, i was like in the zone. Everything was forgotten temporarily. I guess its similar to moments of total peace when i practice Zhan Zhuang.

I was simultaneously fully absorbed by the birds and completely oblivious about the rest of my life.

That’s gotta be the most blissful state of being, total absorption and total lack of self awareness.

If i can get that same sense of absorption towards my app development, i would be FLYING.

256am

slept for a good 10 hours or so, woke up with the thought, slow living with a smile. lol it goes back around again.

I was pretty tense when i went to sleep though, man i can’t trust this hyper shit, it can’t be right. It feels good but it doesn’t mean ull get shit done. I think i was on the computer for at least 10 hours yesterday but i didn’t get 1 fukin minute of app work done. Its a false excitement, it doesn’t penetrate into your heart. All surface level.

At work yesterday i was in shitty mood while taking things slow, but when i took a nap on my break all of a sudden i smiled and my mood improved so much, for a few hours i was in a really pleasant mood, and it wasn’t hyper at all.

Very lighthearted, non hyper pleasant nature.

Still, doesn’t mean i won’t be lazy again, whether its slow or fast. However, if im gonna be fuckin lazy, id rather be nice and chilled out and lazy, rather than hyper and lazy. If im slow and lazy at least i can savor the moment so to speak. Hyper and lazy is very surface level living.

Its still early december, im really gonna try again to do a slow living month, of course with Zhan Zhuang practice. I still think maybe this combination is a winner.

It does make sense though, Zhan Zhuang is like slow living to the extreme, u stand and let go of thoughts, balance out the tensions in ur body to establish a minimalist equilibrium. Eventually your skill increases to the point where slight movement doesn’t lose that ZZ magic. Eventually you can move more and more while retaining the magic.

Slow living is literally closer to ZZ than letting the pace of life get away from you. Its not rocket science reasoning, its very simple.

But i gotta actually stick to it and let the effects happen. ok ok enough talk lol

12/3/19

925am

cultivate the good vibes from within, and your drive will cultivate with it.

849am

If you were to ask me if there’s anything i am certain is correct, id say Zhan Zhuang is it. Nothing else has such a profound effect on me that Zhan Zhuang has, its like healing microwaves cooking me from the inside out. If only i could make the magic last 24/7, id be a god. hell id be living in a permanent state of bliss. its wonderful. lol

213am

a true warrior doesn’t quit as a matter of principle. That is why even after 3 years of horrible progress on my apps, I just cannot quit, for if i do, it would be not due to a controlled choice, but a succumbing to laziness and apathy.

12/2/19

1138pm
and here we go again, mindset swung back over again. you might be wondering wtf is wrong with me and how does this keep happening.
well i was doing slow living, went to work, was nothing to do so just sat in cafeteria napping cause energy levels were low even though i slept 11 hours and even did 1 hour Zhan ZHuang. so my mindset is feeling shitty and im napping napping and then… poof! my mentality all of a sudden mellowed out and i started smiling a bit and just like that i felt myself relaxing and mood improving, nothing to do with slowness at all really.
and that good vibe kind of stayed with me up until now, i feel a little more jolly, was even doing Zhan Zhuang on the train on the way back home and felt my back tension loosen, i feel more energetic again.
I guess that’s the middle ground that i want, i want to be ENERGIZED EXCITED but not CRAZY like. I wanna be calm and relaxed in a way but not lethargic and depressed.
Kind of a happy jolly excited yet chill personality.
ok so no more explicitly practicing slow living, ill let the positive effects occur through zz.
but also no like trying to hype myself up hardcore explicitly either.
Just a 24/7 zz practice, and a good jolly attitude, smiling, that type of stuff.
fuck me but damn, putting on a smile really does work if you just give it a chance.

402pm
just woke up, was gonna delete all i wrote 12 hours ago, but ill leave it just to show how fuked up my mind is lol
I was all hyper when i wrote that, now im toned down again.
I’m really gonna try to do slow living this month.
Zhan Zhuang + Slow Living.

143am
u know… that whole spiritual energy stemming from zhan zhuang practice, u can just call it excitement in a way.
I remember when i was 23 and just started learning to make apps, i was BURSTING with excitement! I was finally making completely autonomous life choices, a huge risk but also potential huge rewards! A more interesting path in life than the cubicle!

Just excitement all around, it fueled me. When i burned out about 2 years later, the excitement was all but gone.
Or maybe not really, I pivoted my goals to health because that was the necessary move at the time. And i got excited about all my health research, to delve deeper and deeper into the true knowledge of health cultivation.

around 3 years later i can safely say i got some profound answers and I pretty much feel i know how to genuinely maintain and even cultivate excellent health.

Now its time to pivot again and get EXCITED about the apps.
Its funny cause with the youtube videos, probably because its much less mentally strenuous to edit videos and im actually playing games to make a video, its easier to have fun and be excited.

For the apps though, i gotta make an effort, i gotta twist the whole thing in my mind from this so called “withered trees and dying embers” mentality, and get EXCITED about it again.

even just sort of trying it out in my head right now, i can feel myself wanting to work on the app more. This is probably the real Fake it Till you Make it approach, not pretend you’re something ur not, but to change how u feel about something to affect your motivation to do it.

Life is all about feelings, i have long since came to the conclusion that trying to think your way to meaning and purpose is a dead end. Philosophy is all opinion, and when you’re depressed, non of it FEELS convincing.
As far as philosophy i literally finished my research on Absurdism and didn’t delve further…

You have to FEEL purpose, meaning. So if that means you gotta sorta hype yourself up to feel excited again, if you gotta twist things in your mind to feel excited and motivated, does that make the feeling itself any less REAL?

no it does not, because its feelings.

Journey to Freedom

Simple online journal containing my thoughts and actions.

Archive for the ‘StagnationReport’ Category

Stagnation Report 1/19

Stagnation Report 12/18

Stagnation Report 11/18

Stagnation Report 10/18

Stagnation Report 9/19

Stagnation Report 8/18

Stagnation Report 7/18

Stagnation Report 6/18

Stagnation Report 5/18

Stagnation Report 4/18