barely any app progress done, but lots of progress regarding…

getting workout done first thing when i wake up and breaking my fast afterwards with no distractions. Still getting distracted while eating but im getting better and im more commuted than ever to the idea of getting the daily meal out of the way asap. It just makes sense for me.
I may be at work or outside playing sports or at kung fu class or some shit in the afternoon, and i won’t be back home until past 9pm at which point it’s obviously not a good look to break the fast at that time.

I’d rather once in a while break a fast prematurely cause i went out with friends to eat/drink or whatever, then try to coordinate a fast break sometime in afternoon just so an 8 hour eating window fits me going out… god just typing that up felt complex.

its settled.

Stagnation Report 1/20

1/27/20
311pm
zz 24/7 thats my goal. the closer i get to that level, the more everything else will fall into place, i believeit.
yesterday slow living failed but thats cause i wasn’t actually able to achieve it.
chiling out feeling apathetic worked better but apathy kind starts getting on ur nerves after awhile lol
and either way i still ended up tense by the time i went to bed.
No no no, i gotta do ZZ, im doing twice a day again for 1 hour, once in the morning once in the evening, and im try to slow down and be as close to proper zz as possible the rest of the day.
That’s it im committed, and im sure on i feel that beautiful wonderful zz feeling more and more ill be able to sit calmly with joy and work on some apps 🙂 but also excited 😀

102am
ok i tried to be relaxed all day, i felt very apathetic but for some reason it didn’t prevent me from doing my workout and even jump roping and all that. I then prepared food and ate it while watching anime with a friend, thats still something i gotta handle, i gotta eat with no distraction so it doesn’t take me frickin hours to do it lol i can’t live in this way its too time consuming, its not even a discipline thing i just honestly feel like i wanna get my meal done faster, and not sit around for a few hours eating little by little.

but anyway i actually launched unity and did some software updates, its 108am now i really think i should be sleeping so ima do that.

but its weird my apathetic state is making me give less fucks about whatever, yea i know that sounds stupid but i even feel more motivated to make some more gameplay commentary youtube videos since my apathy is making me not give a shit if anyone likes them or not, and in a paradoxical way it makes me more chill which will probably result in a better more natural video…

i mean i dont know, slow living definitely didn’t work cause id tense up anyway. just trying to stay relaxed seems to produce better results, my body even after being up all day is reasonably relaxed with the exception of my back which is tight but that always been happening while sitting on this stool, and even then its not like a death grip tight.

but anyway i guess at the end of the day, if you not productive anyway, better to be relaxed rather than tight, better being calm and chill rather than a nervous wreck full of anxiety and emotional turmoil. so ill take it, cause this morning was really really unpleasant emotionally.

lets see how tomorrow goes.

1/26/20
118pm
did 1.5 hour zz, i feel better

1120am
Woke up with tons of sexual anxiety, depressive feelings, brain going at 1000 miles an hour.
body tense, felt like forever before my brain calmed down a bit.

Looks like trying to just slow down isn’t working, the body and mind isn’t listening.

I’m gonna try to emphasize relaxation, i think from all the zz practice i do have a bit of control over my muscles and i can nudge them towards relaxation.

man what a brutal morning, this was not a pleasant experience i almost wanted to cry i was so frustrated.
could be related to the nofap as well, im on day 59, actually of course its related, i have no outlet for sexual release, its fukin killin me.
but at the same time i know there are monks who spend their whole lives abstaining and they found peace, so i know its possible to be peaceful and focused even without sex.

1/25/20
957pm
i gotta go deep man.
my back just keeps tightening up when i sit.
i gotta really commit to slow living and ZZ 24/7. The ultimate training, i gotta go deep.
I think i can do this.

605pm
u know wat, i let go of porn addiction through the power of peace.
Can’t i do the reverse and get myself to work on apps through the power of peace?

supposedly opposites are identical in a way,

3pm
money status these things taint work.
makes it feel hollow empty.
can’t work on apps when motivation is money.

spiritual energy, zhan zhuang, peace and calmness.
energized calmness. calm energy and focus.

maybe not calm exactly but righteous spiritual energy.

If i believe in something i can give it my all, david goggins mode.
if im not feeling it, then i might as well be a deadbeat.

Relaxed spiritual energy.

ZZ, just gotta keep practicing Zhan Zhuang. Intuitively feel that natural spiritual energy.

To feel pumped in a natural way.

zz

1/24/20
521pm
ok epic fail
didn’t even have the willpower to get out of bed cause of the thought that i gotta get app work done before eating. I swear i have some kind of fucked up complex lol i was almost depressed earlier today cause of this failure.

ok im not trying to take steps backward here, so ill stick to doing my physical workouts before eating, cause at least it seems my brain is not rebelling against doing that.

I still believe that over time, 3 hours a days of workout will help transform me into a better man.

This whole app thing will have to take place after my meal.
i mean back when i was more motivated i used to do my work in the late afternoon from what i remember.

Well if in the next 2-3 months, i do 3+ hours workout every morning, + continuing the nofap progress + some more youtube videos, that’s still good progress physically,mentally, and at least one aspect of my business. So ill take what i can get.

1/23/20
10pm
ok fuck it i just can’t work after eating, it just knocks me into a different leisurely gear.

It is what it is, i got no choice, i gotta get my app work done before i eat.
ill make it as easy as possible for now, just 1 hour mandatory, can work more if i want. but at least 1 hour a day.

thankfully the youtube stuff is easier, its more pleasurable and entertaining since i get to play a game anyway, so i can do that after eating. its more chill.

but the app stuff, i gotta get it done before eating.
on the bright side that means i get to experience the pride of finishing the whole days work before breaking my fast.

1/11/20
1150pm
i just need freedom. That’s it.
That’s all i ever needed.

1/8/20
340am
was kinda wishy washy this past week, didn’t do app work, but im on no fap day 40 now, can’t wait to hit 90 days, it gonna be great.

but anyway my head is back in the game, haven’t worked out for a few days now, except for the zz of course. but now im back again.
im gonna focus on gentle bodywork though, no high intensity stuff.
so won’t do calisthenics reps until im really tensing up a lot, im gonna focus on a very easy start and somewhat easy finish. Something around 35 rep sets for 3 sets feels right, cause it adds up to just over 100 lol
and since i only do each calisthenic movement once a week its gonna add up to 105 reps for all the different movements im doing.
Once 35 reps doesn’t end with “somewhat easy”, ima make it more difficult.
but that’s it im now focusing on gentle consistency.
i like that “gentle consistency”, feels like a good idea.